Matthew Callan: Hang a Crooked Number (Fiction)
The game
is a sham but I still have to work on my swing. I’ve been lost at the plate for
so long you can’t call it a slump. You’d have to invent a new word or borrow
one from a language more direct than ours. Fastballs that were once as fat as
beach balls have shrunk to the size of dimes. Curveballs break a split second
before I expect them to. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, or what I’m not
doing that I used to do. Nothing I’ve tried has worked so far. Still, I try.
Dad once
made me stand waist-deep in water and swing a bat. He said the surface of the
water subconsciously urges you to keep the bat level. A level swing prevents
you from getting under the ball or chopping it into the dirt. That translates
to more line drives, which translates to more hits. I don’t know where Dad got
this idea, but he believed it deeply. I could have shown him scientific proof
it was the batting practice equivalent of a placebo and he would have nodded
and ordered me to get back into the water anyway.
I’m 99 percent sure the swinging-in-water exercise won’t
help at all, but I’d rather cling to one percent than nothing at all. So I jog down what’s left of the
Coney Island boardwalk, a Louisville Slugger clutched in my right hand, a beach
towel tied to one end of the bat. The towel jerks wildly every time one of my
feet touches down, whipping me in the face. This look should not be cultivated
by someone in my line of work. My job demands blending in. But my job also
demands being good at baseball, so here we are. I need to make the majors. It
is a thought that has propelled me forward for so long it is no longer a
thought, really. It’s closer to a callus, something I’ve leaned on for too many
hours.
Coney
Island feels strange and silent at this time in the morning, before the crowds arrive.
The rides are still, the food stands that serve up warm beer and rubbery clam
strips shuttered. A few short hours from now, the horizon will flutter with
bands of vaporized grease and the heat billowing from all the grills frying
acres of meat. But right now, there’s no sizzling to be heard. There’s no noise
at all beyond my own panting, my feet hitting the boardwalk, the caws of
seagulls, and the thud of waves pummeling the shore.
No one
else is near the beach now, save for one man with a metal detector who sweeps
over the sand in slow arcs. He looks a bit too pale for his hobby, a black
baseball cap pulled low and tight on his head, brown socks yanked high up his
calves. Not a likely threat, but perhaps a tail. I haven’t been out in the
field much since I got back from the DL, and I feel the rust of my time away.
I jog
past a quartet of benches positioned under a curved concrete canopy. Two old
men, nearly identical, sit on opposite ends of one of the benches. One wears a
light blue polo shirt with thin dark blue stripes, the other wears a tan polo
shirt with thin black stripes. Same khaki pants, same glasses with thick black
frames, same straw boater hats that only old men wear, same sagging, grunting faces.
Each one looks determined not to turn and face the other. Budget analysis:
harmless.
Everyone
is either a Threat or a Non-Threat. I must determine who falls into what
category. I can’t concentrate on what’s important until I know what I’m allowed
to ignore.
I exit
the boardwalk right before the point where the last storm tore away a ten-block
stretch and tossed it into the ocean. Or maybe it was the storm before that.
It’s become hard to keep track. The storms tend to happen in the offseason,
when I’m either playing in a winter league or engaged in refresher training.
Lengths of faded yellow police tape cordon off the jagged ends. The bigger
lengths of the old boardwalk jut out from the surf beyond the breakers, beached
whales stuck on sand bars. A large sign the city has tacked to the railing
along the beach says THE BOARDWALK WILL BE BACK! followed by a movie credits’
worth of municipal leaders, but the lettering is scraped and faded. The only
hint of construction is a small DOT dump truck parked nearby, filled past the
brim with broken wood and topped by all the junk passersby have tossed inside.
A 12-foot length of replacement boardwalk has been installed, made of some kind
of polymer resin rather than the old wood that used to stand here. The new length
stands equidistant from the ruined ends of the wooden boardwalk. It’s stood
there, lonely and longing for as long as I’ve lived here. It speaks an unvoiced
WE TRIED to the universe.
I
descend from the boardwalk to the beach, and the change in terrain interrupts
my pace. My legs wobble for a few steps before I adjust and move on. Soda cans,
beer bottles, and condom wrappers lie in my path, skittering in the breeze,
bumping each other and retreating. There’s more garbage than the last time I
came out here. This week was Coney Island’s turn to get the short end of the
stick in the Sanitation Department’s rolling service disruptions. Bad
scheduling on the mayor’s part, doing this during the busy season when the
garbage begins to ripen.
I kick
off my sneakers, untie the towel from my bat, and head toward the surf. Summer
is here according to the calendar and the temperatures, but the winter still
clings to the ocean. An Arctic chill whips across the foam. I charge into the
ocean without stopping. Best to enter this water band-aid removal style, one
quick yank. The water numbs me from the knees down, and it feels wonderful.
Catchers and pain are never separated for long. Most of my body is 25 years
old, but my legs are halfway to retirement.
I take a
few cuts. Nothing feels right. When I lift my front foot, it comes to rest in
the muck of the ocean floor. I can’t plant and pivot. The water puts up too
much resistance to my movement. My swing is level, but my bottom hand comes off
the bat handle far too early.
I swing
twenty times so I can tell myself this exercise wasn’t a complete waste of my
time. With my feet planted in the surf, I turn my back on the ocean and look
back toward the city. After all the storms, the shoreline is much closer to the
mainland than it used to be, but it’s still a long way from here to the rest of
Brooklyn. All I see from where I stand is a Ferris wheel ground to a halt, and
the huge Stalinist concrete slabs of the Mermaid Houses stabbing the sky,
behind an expanse of glittering, littered sand. For a moment I feel like the
last man on earth.
I trudge
back to where I left my stuff, sand cemented to my legs. As I towel my face
off, an insistent buzz rattles from inside one of my shoes, where I left my
Society-issued phone. My shoe burrows into the beach with each blast. I watch
the sand scatter for five “rings” before I rescue the phone. The Society never
hangs up. They never assume you are busy, because members should never be busy
with anything but The Society.
When I
pick up the phone, I hear the weird pops and buzzes and pixilated squawks that
result from the call getting rerouted a million times to render it untraceable.
Then a voice strobed and lowered an octave, the sound of a kidnapper. “Go to
86th and Bay Parkway. Wait for a message. Meet handler at O’Malley’s at three.”
Part of
me is relieved that I’ve been given an assignment again, so soon after
returning. But most of me would rather be in the cage than in the field.
“This is
an off day,” I bark into the phone.
“No such
thing.” More squeaks and pops, and the line goes dead.
I trudge
back toward the stadium, hoping to deposit my bat in the locker room, but the
players’ entrance is unattended and locked. It was open and manned when I left
for the beach, which couldn’t have been more than a half hour ago. I have no
time to ponder the sudden change, or knock on the door and wait for someone to
show up and rescue me. I also shouldn’t bring a baseball bat on whatever
mission I’m about to do. So I jog around to the first base side of the
ballpark, near our dugout, thinking I can fling the bat over the fence. I grasp
the thing just above the knob and launch it. The bat spins end over end wildly
and falls short of landing on the field, rattling in the first row of seats in
front of the dugout, coming to rest between wall-mounted ads for Budweiser and
the Marines. I should have time to reclaim it before tonight’s game if the
cleaning crew doesn’t show up on time, which is not likely since their last few
checks have been late. I don’t care about the bat itself, since it’s the
crummiest one I have, but if I lose it I’ll get charged the full retail price
of a brand new one by the team. It’s league policy meant to deter low-salaried
minor leaguers like me from making off with piles of game-used equipment and
selling it to memorabilia prospectors. That market is a monopoly the league
reserves for itself. My salary can’t spring for the price of a new wooden bat,
especially not one that’s actually an old piece of junk.
The
distance from the stadium to 86th Street is not walkable. In any other city,
The Society would loan me a car. In New York, with parking meters and
alternate-side rules and cameras at every intersection, cars aren’t the best
way to fly under the radar. Routine traffic stops and roadblocks don’t help,
either. Not that taking public transportation is much better. The subway
stations are full of cameras, too, and National Guards in more cases than not.
But as far as getting to a destination in a timely fashion goes, the subway is
the slightly better of two bad options, so I walk over to the Stillwell Avenue
station. It’s going to be a hot one today, and the first crowds are starting to
arrive. Great churning clusters of kids run down the stairs from the platform,
leaping and screaming with each step. No adults trail them. For these kids,
summer will never end.
I ascend
a D train platform, enter a car close to the stairs, and sit in a corner by the
engineer’s booth. No window at my back, nothing behind me but steel and plastic.
In the morning, before the scene grows too crowded, I should be able to spot a
threat a mile away, but that’s no reason to make things hard on myself. I put
on a pair of sunglasses to hide my eyes as I survey my surroundings. No
stirring from the door leading to the next car. The man in the reflective
orange MTA vest sweeping trash up from the F train platform across the way is
what he appears to be, near as I can tell. The sunglasses aren’t necessary,
since there’s no one else in the car. But if I don’t do these things when
they’re not needed, the skills may fail me when I do need them.
The
conductor makes a garbled announcement over the PA, the doors beep and close,
and the train lurches out of the station. It scrapes by the shuttered
amusements on Surf Avenue and past the aquarium, then turns left near the
Mermaid Houses and begins its descent into the heart of Brooklyn. Closer to
Coney sit squat little houses festooned with starfish and lighthouses, razor
wire clinging to their summits, followed by chop shops, empty lumber yards,
dusty plumbing supply warehouses. Then slender two-story houses with iron
railings and tiny, elevated lawns. The train careens on to 86th Street, where
all the roofs of all the buildings have been bombed by years of graffiti. One
layer surpassed by another, then another, on and on throughout generations of
delinquents, every new color adopting the faint sheen of the artwork of the
past.
A large
billboard grabs me at the 86th
Street curve. It features The Killer, star slugger for the big league team my
minor league squad feeds into. He clutches a bat in one hand and a fistful of
purple entertainment vouchers in the other. He’s not wearing the jersey of our
parent team, but the kind of generic elastic-banded white uniform favored by
corporate softball squads. Whoever shot the ad couldn’t be bothered to
approximate our colors, opting for black and red instead of orange and blue.
Licensing fees must have been too much for the city, so they steered clear of
the slightest hint of infringement. In large letters: DON’T STRIKE OUT! USE ‘EM
WHILE YOU CAN. Slightly smaller type reminds you that city entertainment
vouchers do not carry over month-to-month, and if you don’t spend them all
patronizing your local movie theater, restaurant, mall, and so on, they’re gone
forever. Over The Killer’s huge bald head, a critic has responded with the
unambiguous spray-painted counterpoint of FUCK U.
I’m the
only person who gets off at the Bay Parkway station, where the undulating tin
walls are dotted with snaking tags, plotting a path to the stairs that lead to
street level. Most of them are indecipherable to my eyes, save a stencil job
that repeats itself down the line at regular intervals, with variations. Each
stencil traces the outline of a different, seemingly benign figure. Traffic
cop. Doctor. Construction worker. Each is fringed by a warning running its
perimeter, the letters stretched and spaced so they wrap around and meet again,
head to tail: ENEMIES ABOUND.
No one
else stands on the platform when I get off the train, except for some sad case
pleading into a pay phone. You often see drunks and other sorry types pick up
the receivers of these relics in a subway station, but they always turn away in
disgust, realizing they’ve been had. This poor sap had the good fortune to find
what must be the last working example in the entire transit system. That, or he
only believes he’s talking to someone. His presence makes me suspicious, but
another look in his direction dispels my concerns. The desperation on his face
and his complete willingness to be exposed don’t correspond with someone who
wishes to go unnoticed. “But I NEED it! But I NEED it!” he whines loudly into
the phone as I slip past him.
I
descend, passing through the swinging doors and turnstiles, into the chamber
that barnacles to the underside of the elevated train station. Two guardsmen in
full green camouflage stand to the left of the attendant’s booth. Their outfits
must help them blend in with the thick jungle growth of southern Brooklyn. Both
of them look bored almost to the point of tears until my presence startles
them. I must be the first person through this station in hours. One of them
yawns and absently pets the barrel of his rifle, which he holds against his
chest. His caramel-colored face is dotted with fresh acne. He is younger than
me. His freshness upsets me.
Along
86th Street, I peer in a few shop windows, stop at a fruit stand, then walk
slowly back and around the corner to perform the same rites in a slightly
different way. The weatherman says we’ll get into the 90s again today, but I’m
pretty sure we’re there already. The sun radiates off the pavement, sucking
energy from me with each step. A sick smell hangs in the air, the stench of
things people dropped and left behind months ago. The stink is artificial and
brutally organic all at once. It hits my nose and I do my best to not breathe
in, but I can feel it there at foot of my nostrils, biding its time.
I pass an
armored NYPD vehicle, parked and waiting for its next raid. Cops in bulletproof
vests lean against it, trading filthy jokes. One of them leers at a girl in
microscopic jean shorts, his eyes trained on her ass she bops down the block,
following her long after he could possibly make out any discernible movement.
After
ten minutes of wandering, my phone buzzes. Picture message, subject CONFIRM,
accompanied by a mug shot of some guy who could extra in any mob movie. The
picture’s caption is an address on Bay Parkway. I see it right across the
street, Vinny’s Pizza. This is a Confirmation Job, the lamest work the Society
has to offer.
All
Society targets have to be confirmed by a third party. Most of the time, that
confirmation is done by scrub minor leaguers such as me. It’s a shit detail if
there ever was one, the Society’s equivalent of KP duty. What’s happened in
this situation, I assume, is this: The Society has decided to apprehend
someone. I have to go spot this person and verify that he is, in fact, the
desired target. I’m given this photo on which to base my analysis. It’s
bureaucratic bullshit, a step meant to prevent abuse but which ultimately
serves no purpose but creating a data trail we really don’t want.
So now I
have to walk into this pizzeria, spot a guy, and text back CONFIRMED. Once I do
this, a mission can go ahead unimpeded. What is that mission? I don’t know.
I’ll probably never know. They could have gotten any schmuck in the world to do
this job, but they asked me to do it, on my day off. This is how far down the
ladder I’ve fallen. Some other fuckup is still recovering from a vicious
hangover or a desperate 3 a.m. pussy hunt and so it falls to me to take out his
trash.
Vinny’s
is an old-school pizza joint with curved orange seats leaning over faux wooden
tables bolted to the floor. My parents used to take me to one just like this
before my mother got too sick to eat pizza or much of anything else. I put my
hand on the bar across the front door and see my reflection in the glass,
broken up by handprints and other smudges. This feels far too familiar to me,
in a bad way, a taunt from a schoolyard bully I swore I’d forget by now. I
pause a moment before going in, swatting these memories from the front of my
mind.
“Can I
help you,” says the kid behind the counter, leaning across the linoleum. His
pencil-thin teenage mustache bristles. There’s no question mark concluding his
statement because he has no true desire to help me. For cover, I ask for a slice
I won’t eat. Greasy food is no good for my conditioning. It’s also the kind of
food that’s been giving me trouble lately. I eat something too spicy, too rich,
too anything, and my stomach rebels.
While
standing at the counter, I see the target seated in the back. Black leather
jacket, slicked-back thinning hair. He taps his foot out of rhythm with the Van
Halen song squeezing its way through the tinny speakers of a black boom box
perched on top of a Coke bottle-shaped cooler. His head darts in all directions
each time he hears the little bell that rings when the front door opens. The
movement is drastic at first. Then he seems to remember how conspicuous it
looks and slows down the dart midstream. This place is familiar to him, but
that does nothing to alleviate his nervousness. He is a first-class
neighborhood mook, always on the lookout for a threat or an opening to a new
hustle.
I get
all of this at a glance of his reflection in the glass partition at the front
of the pizza counter. But I don’t look at the glass for long, either. I can’t
stare at these kinds of people. Anyone in our world can sense when he’s being
stared at, even when only his reflection is getting the attention.
The teen
behind the counter slaps my slice down on a paper plate next to the cash
register. I tell him I want the pizza to go. He slides the slice into a paper
bag with a sloth-like torpor, then takes my money as if he’s done me an
enormous favor.
I exit
the pizza place and text back CONFIRMED. As soon as I hit “send,” I feel a tug at my sleeve. An itchy bum who’s
been shuffling outside the pizza place wants my attention. Despite the weather,
he wears a hooded sweatshirt, pullstrings frazzled, faded gray fabric
scratching a jagged beard. He has the smell of a half-empty soda bottle left
out in the sun.
“Spay
chine, get summeat?” the bum says, which I take to mean Spare some change, get something to eat? Since I’m not going to eat
my pizza anyway, I hand it over to him. But the bum isn’t grateful. It’s a rare
vagrant who asks for money for food and actually wants to buy food.
“Muhfucka,
I didn’t axe for no goddam pizza.” He takes it anyway, however, ripping open
the bag and tearing into the slice with violence.
I didn’t
notice this guy outside before, and he’s not the kind of person who should go
unnoticed around here. The homeless are not common in this part of Brooklyn.
There’s no shortage of hopeless drunks who fight lampposts and stumble home to
the wrong apartments, but truly dedicated street people are rare. His pullstrings
are frazzled but they’re perfectly even, aglets clinging to their extremities.
What are the odds a guy who’s been living on the street would still have the
pullstrings in his hoodie at all? There’s a good chance this bum is someone
doing a good bum imitation. Maybe a tail from the Society trying to make sure I
do my job right. Maybe someone trying to impede my work, for reasons I can’t
know. Maybe something else that hasn’t yet occurred to me.
While I
stand outside the pizza place wondering about the bum’s true nature, out walks
The Mook. He’s stepped out for a smoke, unsheathing a packet of Camels from his
inside jacket pocket. Our eyes meet. His face turns white. He sees something in
me that makes him suspicious. Once he’s seen it, the look I give back makes him
even more suspicious. He bolts and runs toward 86th Street.
This is
bad. What’s even worse is that The Mook’s lizard brain survival instincts are
contagious, because I run after him. I could call in this situation, or I could
stay put. Instead, I choose to chase him, which is the dumbest possible option.
And yet, this never feels like a choice at all. It simply happened, and it
continues to happen in a place where thought can’t touch. My brain yells at my
legs What the fuck are you doing?! My
legs yell right back, Don’t look at us.
You think we wanna run? Once I’ve started, I have no choice but to keep
running until I catch this guy or my legs give out. I’m not sure which end is
likelier. As I pick up speed, sand scrapes the spaces between my toes. I
thought I’d cleaned all of it off before I left the beach, but I thought wrong.
The Mook
sprints like a man who’s never had to move at a faster pace than a stroll. He
pumps his legs higher and harder than he has to, his knees almost touching his
chin with each stride. His arms whip back and forth like an android trying to
row a boat. For all his awkwardness, he has two things I don’t: adrenaline and
the fear of imminent death. So he doesn’t think twice before sprinting across
all six lanes of 86th Street against traffic. In this part of Brooklyn, drivers
are used to playing chicken with clueless and fearless pedestrians. A white SUV
swerves to avoid him on the westbound half of the street, as does a squat
delivery truck on the eastbound half, but the vehicles don’t even spare an
obscene gesture in his direction. The Mook shields himself behind a train track
support beam for a second, then continues his uncomfortable trot down Bay
Parkway. The businesses of the main drag give way to little houses with postage
stamp-sized lawns. Each house displays a cornucopia of seasonal decorations,
the American flag, and banners proclaiming allegiance to various sports teams
(not necessarily hung in that order). Virgin Mary on the halfshell stands
parallel to the imposing logos of home security systems. Warnings abound,
cautioning those with evil on their minds of the presence of pitbulls, signs
indicating TRESPASSERS WILL BE KILLED AND EATEN. These directives are flanked
by unproofread pledges to unnamed terrorists that YOUR DAYS ARE NUMBERRED and
WE’RE GONA GETCHA.
By the
time I reach 86th Street, the light has changed, and so I zip through the
crosswalk untouched, save for a red pickup truck who wants to see how close he
can get before crushing me under his wheels. I cross the street before the red hand
has stopped blinking. I’ve already made up quite a bit of distance between The
Mook and myself. I could run harder, but my legs would tire faster. The Mook
fears for his life and won’t stop, so I have to pace myself. This is his turf.
He probably knows some back alleys or other shortcuts where he can lose me. I
need to think of some way of taking him down before he can do that. I don’t
spot any garbage cans I could pick up and hurl at him, or anything else that
could be used for that purpose. I don’t have anything on me I could throw at
his feet, other than my cell phone. If I break that, I’d see a hit in my next
paycheck.
As I
ponder my next move, The Mook out-stupids me and does the dumbest thing he
could do right now, short of stopping altogether. He looks back to see if I’m
still following him. He does it slowly, craning his head inch by inch. This
prevents him from seeing the spot in the sidewalk where one stone slab is
elevated above the others. His right foot slams into the edge of the protruding
stone and he stumbles for a few strides, feet slamming the pavement with harsh
slaps, his arms flung out to the sides, walking tightrope. The Mook almost
corrects his balance before his left thigh collides with the nozzle of a fire
hydrant. He pivots and tries to keep running, but as soon as he puts weight on
his left leg, he collapses to the concrete with an unhealthy thud, face first.
I want to celebrate my victory, but this isn’t a true win. I’ve only caught up
to this wreck because its tires shredded. I lean over and place my hands on The
Mook’s back, as if it will make his capture official.
The Mook
winces in pain. He puts his palms flat on the ground, but has no strength to
hoist himself upright, his labored exhalations chopped up by a smoker’s wheeze.
“What the FUCK was that FUCKIN’ thing DOING THERE?!” he screams. In his anger,
he kicks back his left leg and connects his foot with the hydrant behind him,
shooting more pain through his body. “FUCK!” He balls his right hand into a
fist and punches the sidewalk, then lets out another pained yowl, having
injured himself in a brand new place. I can’t imagine why The Society was so
anxious to track down this guy. He seems the kind of person who would take care
of himself in some Darwinian fashion, sooner or later.
A white
windowless cargo van pulls up to the curb, coming to a halt with screeching
tires. The sliding side door opens. Two men in SWAT team-type gear jump out,
rattling around with bulletproof vests and assault rifles, faces obscured
behind reflective visors. One grabs the The Mook’s arms, the other grabs his
legs. They hustle him into the van, where his howls of pain are soon muffled by
the hood they slide onto his head, pulling it tight at the neck with a laundry
bag drawstring. Once The Mook is safely inside, one of the operatives grabs the
sliding door to sling it closed, but not before shooting me a dirty look. I
can’t see his eyes behind his visor, but I know a dirty look when I’m fixed
with one. The door shuts, and the van squeals away down Bay Parkway.
I could
use a long wait for the train to delay the inevitable, but of course, the D
arrives right away for once. It’s packed with beachgoers, no more seats left.
Kids twirl around the poles that run from floor to ceiling. Two girls in
matching rainbow bikinis toss a beach ball back and forth across the aisle.
Another girl in a bikini nuzzles up to her shirtless boyfriend while his eyes
remain trained on his phone. I survey the scene to see if anyone sets off
threat signals. Nothing. So I grab an overhead bar with both hands, bury my
head between my arms, and curse myself.
Matthew Callan writes
about the New York Mets for Amazin' Avenue and has written about many other things for The Awl, Baseball Prospectus, The Classical, and Vice. He is also the
host of Replacement Players, a podcast where he forces guests to watch and
discuss old games. Catch him on Twitter at @scratchbomb.